Colors of a Clown : Homestuck
by TURT8chocolate
Summary: Gamzee Makara has been acting strangely lately... he looks rather sick and not his normal Faygo filled self. It seems he has finally cracked and is listening to all the voices in his head now. Karkat is determined to find out what's wrong with Gamzee. ((rated for language))
1. Chapter 1

It is said that the ghost rumors are just riveting tales, but lately all of our nightmares have been becoming true.

"Haha, come on Gamzee you're just trying to scare us! No one would even believe this shit!" Vriska applauded Gamzee's attempt of trying to frighten the trolls. She clapped her hands and laughed in her sassy voice.  
"Heh, this is no joke mother fucker. I tell you, I stay up throughout the nights. Just waiting for the mother fucking cackle to tell me exactly what's going on, what to do... how to breath..." the clown masked face smiling a big grin. A moment of silence stretched throughout the room as everyone just stared a Gamzee's ungleaming smile.  
"Fuck, Gamzee! You're going to give everyone else fucking night terrors!" You, the short ninety percent nub troll screed. Terezi cackled.  
"Look who's talking!"-whipes single happy tear off face-"Okay, yeah Gamzee you're scaring the nub of Karkles..." Terezi was cracking up, like a bowl of nuts.  
"Shut the fuck up, Terezi" You screed again.  
"hmm, oh I'm sorry best bro I wasn't trying to uhh mother fucking scare you or nothin'. I just thought all you mother fuckers would like to hear about this..." Gamzee flung one arm around your shoulder, not as much grinning but a smile now at the low bloods face.  
"Oh fuck Gamzee! I'm not scared, all you assholes are the ones who are gritting around like a ton of mice near a lion resort!" You looked up at the taller troll, he had all his clown makeup on messily it was unlike him in normal circumstances he would always make sure it was perfectly on with practically no trouble at all, probably from all the years of putting it on making sure it was perfect everyday. But now it looked like he wore the exact same plate of color for a few days or so, it was washing away mostly at his eyes showing the gleaming purple glow in a different complexion partly. It was also messy around the corners of his mouth, it looked like dripping blood, like the ground was pulling it towards itself. Normally the makeup around his mouth was like a upside down triangle this is so unlike him...  
But his makeup wasn't just it. His hair was super messy, not even his normal really insane messy even more messy it didn't seem it was even possible to be more messy and obnoxious then it's normal unfathomability. It's capacity looked like it could hold a whole city of water buffaloes in it, and it wasn't just that, it looked really knotty too. Usually Gamzee at least combed through it, well at least someone did, at least enough so it didn't look like it was mauled for a week in a vacuum anyways. He also smelt a little bit, like he hadn't showered in a few days...or even changed his clothes. There were stains all over his outfit of who knows what...  
You snapped out of his trance of noticing all of these things about your best friend and realized that all your friends were making jokes about how scared you were.  
"Fuck you guys! You know what I don't even care anymore, all you cactusforks can think I'm the scaredest scaredy fucknub you've ever seen!" Terezi cackled some more.  
"Oh my gog Karkles do you even hear yourself! Shit!, cactusforks!? Oh gog this is priceless. I barely can breath!" Terezi cooled down, still grinning a lot though. "You also just called yourself a 'fucknub' Karkles."  
Shit you can't think strait right now, there's something wrong with Gamzee you can tell. You needed to get him alone and ask if he was okay, this is a terrible environment to ask him in. You wish everyone just left or at least shut up about you being scared... but the truth is you are so freaking have no idea if Gamzee's about to have another panic attack and kill everyone or if he'll go insane and start trashing everything at any moment. But you don't think any of that will happen he doesn't have the same feel to him that he did before he did that before. This was different though, he just... doesn't have the same aura he did then. Just when he was telling that story before that had everyone at the edge of their seats he had a totally different aura, something so fucking... bad. You hated this.  
"Are you okay best bro?" Gamzee was looking down at you worried and everyone was staring at you again. Fuck, you just wanted to scream out about how you're not at all okay! This whole thing is giving you a terrible headache and you think you're about to vomit now that you think of it.  
"I'm fine, okay I am so fucking peachy here! In fact out of everyone I'm am the most peachy out of you all, I'm like a fine recently picked peach right out of this utopia of a peach garden!" You were cut off by Gamzee placing his hand on your forehead. Shit, you don't even know why you just said that whole thing you could have just answered that you were fine and you were just thinking of what to do later or something that fucking simple but no you had to say that whole fucking mash up of peach shit and know everyone thinks you're messed up or something.  
Gamzee's hand was cool to the touch as it was placidly placed upon your head. You were going to push it away but fuck it feels really nice against your boiling body, so you let it just sit there acting like everything was fine.  
"You're mother fucking burning up best bro, do you need a glass of water or something?" Everyone was beaming at you, and everything was turning fuzzy.  
"I'm fine just tired as all now all of you grub snuffers can lay off." Your voice was weak and unsteady.  
"Karkles I think you should go lay down or something you really don't look to good..." Terezi looked much more seriously now, it's funny how fast her expression changed after a matter of minutes.  
"Fuck I really don't get why you're all so worried, I already told you I'm fi-" You were cut off by Gamzee halting you ever his shoulder.  
"Gamzee what the fuck!" He was holding you by your dark red jeans, while the rest of your body flooded the scenery of his back with your overly sized black turtle neck. He was walking away out of the room somewhere.  
"Don't worry mother fuckers I'll only be a minute." He said walking out of the room with you squirming in his hold. Ugh you have to admit you're glad to be out of that room though... you feel so much better as if you had just done some push ups with someone on your back and they just got off (not that you would ever be able to do that).  
You continued to squirm in Gamzee's grasp, not that you really minded it much. He carried you out of the room and walked into the bathroom closing the door behind him.  
"What's wrong best bro?" he sat you on the closed toilet seat and he was leaning on his knees to get down to your height.  
"Fuck... Gamzee I'm fine, really." Looking at him in the light now, you really could see something was wrong. He looked a lot worst than you thought he was. Not just his make up was wrong his eyes were droopy and almost sad looking. He looked as if he hadn't slept in days... you just, you can't stand looking at him like this. He needs someone and you know that has to be you.  
"bro..." he was feeling your head again and again his hand was like an ice cube to you the oven turned to 450 degrees to bake a nice cake inside known as your organs.  
"Please tell me what's wrong?" Your best friend in front of you who is obviously having trouble is asking how you're feeling? It was even obvious now in his voice that something was going on, his voice kept cracking up, more than usual which is pretty hard to beat and he just sounded like he was sick or something...  
"Ga-Gamzee are you okay?" you stumbled your words out of your mouth. He looked puzzled like everything was fine and you can't think... the room started going more fuzzy then it was before, everything had a pink-ish fluff tone to it. Gamzee got up, and shit now that you don't have his hand on your head to support you more than you thought he was supporting you, you think you're about to fall even though you're just sitting. You were clinging your fingertips to the sides of the toilet trying not to fall. You started to glare up to see what Gamzee was getting out of the cabinet above the sink but the moment you turned your head you felt really nauseous, and you think you almost fell off the toilet if it wasn't for your best friend's hand catching you.  
"Man, I'm just mother fucking fine but, I can't stand to see you like this is all..." At least you think that's what he said, you couldn't really tell everything was in slow motion. You think he picked you off the toilet and brought you to your room...  
Tick  
He was standing over you and you were tucked neatly in your bed... He stuck something in your mouth, it was cold and he held it there for a moment then he pulled it out  
"Ah, mother fu-" he was looking at a thermometer you think...  
"You -est - in b-" What? you couldn't understand anything right now... You saw the blur of Gamzee get up and you wanted to tell him to stay, you didn't want to be alone... but you couldn't speak it came out at a little high pitched moan.  
Tock  
The bed shift and Gamzee was now sitting next to you.  
"I- be r-t b-" He leaned over and gave you a mini hug, still holding you he said something along the lines of "I -ee- -o -el- e-r-n- wh- -r-ng, -k-?" It was really getting hard to know what he was saying...


	2. Chapter 2

You were on a dock alone with no boats or anything in sight. The air felt polluted and everything was burning hot but at the same time the air was very light. You looked across the sea and saw a burnt island, everything was ashes and it was all black. You then turned you attention to the right and saw a burning island with fire shooting out of every which side, there were the sounds of screaming people yet it was completely, utterly quiet and still. You knew that your island full of all your friends and everything you love was going to be burnt down next. You heard water swoosh behind you and a little moan...

You woke up breathing heavily and coughing over your own spit along with mucus. Gamzee had his arm around you and was lying next to you sleeping still even though you made quite a ruckus with your coughing and hacking. You guess he really hasn't slept for awhile... he looked much better now that he was sleeping but he still didn't look to good.  
You yourself didn't feel to good either, you had a massive headache, you were nauseous still and the room was still spinning with pick fuzz.  
You layed back down next to your best friend after getting a drink of water from your bathroom. You felt so... comfortable next to him, it's like all life's troubles were gone and everything was so warm, you just felt safe. You burrowed yourself into him with his arms laying lazily over you.  
"mmhmm I-yyeh" Gamzee was mumbling in his sleep...  
"Gohh mm awaehhh" Go away? You started listening to him more closely trying to understand what he was saying.  
"Muhh-theh Fuhhkin... kill themm...all..." The fuck? Kill them all? You now realized that, that aura was back... this wasn't good. You didn't feel safe anymore all cuddled up inside him. This really wasn't good for all these sweeps you've felt so safe with him, like he was always there no matter what happened and all of the sudden this feeling is just decipitating into nothing... and even less then nothing, into something?  
Something... was... suffocating you. You were having trouble seeing and, felt your whole bodycontracting and your lungs were withering. You started to try to shake Gamzee up with all your strength which you hadn't realized was almost completely gone.  
"Ga-ahh-mmm"-you barely could speak-"hhhell-p...Gahmz...eh" You just wanted your best friend back. For a split second you started to think what if this feeling was just you and him drifting apart. No. You didn't want that. That can't happen. You pulled Gamzee's shirt into your face to hide the tears you didn't notice appearing. You just layed there with your face in his shirt weeping silently...  
"bro?" Gamzee was rubbing his eye waking up sheepishly. You just kept your face stuffed in his shirt not wanting him to know that you were crying as he's already worried about you enough. But you could feel his beaming, purple eyes on you.  
"Best brooooooo" he went to pull you out of his shirt but you hanging on stopped, not pushing you.  
"What's wrong mother fucker?" Gamzee sounded like his normal self again. You realized that he probably felt your tears and you tried to stop. You let go with one hand and rubbed your eyes then glared up at him.  
"I'm fine... I-I just... sorry" you stumbled over your words again. His makeup now was rubbed off almost completely and for the first time for a long time you saw his real face... His grey skin was showing and you just were so happy to see this for some reason. It looked like he was just a "normal" troll now, without all his clownish, juggaloness showing.  
"Don't be mother fucking sorry, please just tell me what's wrong?" He was swooshing the back of your head, petting it. Crap, you loved when he did this but you hated it too. You felt the the rumbling in the back of your throat form. You hated when people heard you pur but gladly only Gamzee and Kanaya knew about this thing you couldn't control. Kanaya only knew because she walked in on you and Gamzee watching a romcom together while doing this. But you also loved it because it made you feel so warm and cozy inside. Wow did you seriously just say " feel so warm and cozy inside", even if it is in your head. Whatever you really couldn't care less right now.  
"I don't know... it's just Gamzee you've been acting strange lately..."  
"Mother fucking strange? How so?" You were still puring and it was hard to keep a straight face while he pet you.  
"Well... I don't fucking know. It's like you keep saying some scary shit and you- you look pretty sick... I'm just worried okay you haven't been yourself" You felt tears forming again but you pushed them back. He was looking wide eyed at you with his lips slightly parted like he wants to say something but he can't and he looked really sad, Gog it was a terrible look and it just made you want to cry some more. But he kept petting you because he didn't want you to start sobbing again and that helped you feel a little better.  
"Please don't look at me like that best bro... I'm... I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you so worried mother fucker..." You guessed you had a pretty bad face on too and you guessed that you not smirking while he pet you was worrying him, since every single time he pet you, you couldn't help but start to smirk and happily pur in him.  
"Ga"-you cleared your throat-"We're still friends right?" You couldn't help but ask, you always were worried about losing your friends... and you can't lose Gamzee, he's been your best friend for your whole life. He clinged his arm around you, his other hand on your head quietly papping it and his head past your back with his neck up against your shoulder.  
"yeah, we're two mother fucking bros to the end..."


	3. Chapter 3

You and Gamzee walked out of his room, you looking in both directions to make sure no one was looking. The thing is with all of these translucent friends always around every corner and if one of them seeing two characters walk out of one characters room after a night they might get the wrong idea... However Gamzee was so carefree he just walts strait out of his room while you peered around the corner.  
"What's wrong Karkat, you lookin' for someone." Vriska was there with her rich looking smile on practically whispering I caught you. It was to late to fucking turn back acting like you weren't there she already sees you. You have to just play it off like there's been an misunderstanding.  
"What the fuck do you want Serket?" You peered up at the troll crinkling your button nose.  
"hmm, just wondering if you and this juggalo just happen to both be sleepin' in there last night..." she said while pulling a blue lollipop out of her mouth then placing it back where it belonged in the comfort and security of her tongue. Shit she really caught you here. She was grinning with such a evil smile. It made you sick, it's not like anything actually did happen like that! You and Gamzee weren't like that... you were just bros okay!? You don't even know why you're fighting yourself right now, you're acting like you're fighting a bunch of fangirls. It's not like Nepeta was here anyways.  
"It's none of your business Serket, it wasn't like that! You know I was sick he was just taking care of me that's all!" That was the best excuse you could think of but you could tell it wasn't fooling her.  
"Yeah okay Vantas you just keep telling yourself that..." she had an immense tone of sarcasm in her voice. This is the problem here, everyone can't keep there noses to themselves, someone sees one thing and blows it out of proportion because they have nothing better to do. The only one here that doesn't do that is Sollux, and that's frankly because he doesn't give a shit towards anyone. All he ever does is tak of his computers all day.  
Vriska started walking away. Fuck she was definitely going to tell someone.  
"Wait, fuck don't tell people... just shit I'll fucking kill you and feed you to the Denizen!" You were so fucking pissed off.  
Tick  
Gamzee pat your head then started walking towards the spider bitch. You completely forgot he was there... he didn't look to good again, he looked...angry? What the fuck in the whole time you've known Gamzee he never looked "angry" that just wasn't him. Darkness was flooding from his body as he marched after Serket, crap something was going to go down. You just heard Gamzee mumbling to himself mother fuckin' ... kill them... you then remembered back to when Gamzee was mumbling in his sleep to kill them all, you suddenly felt sick to your stomach. You were going to barf. You covered you mouth and swallowed hard, looking back up dazed saw Gamzee pushing Vriska to the wall.  
Tock  
"You mother fuckin' bitch! I'll mother fucking tell you, you mother fucking go all up and hurt Karkat I'll mother fucking tear your limbs personally from your carcus, enjoying the blue beverage that comes along with it and paint the walls all over!" You couldn't breath, but you ran up to your "best friend."  
Tick  
"Stop Gamzee, fuck Gamzee please stop!" you were trying to pull him from the choking up spider troll smashed up against the wall. You don't even know why you tried to pry him off he's so much stronger than you, everyone was... you took a different much more affective measure when it came to Gamzee in particular.  
"ssshhhh" you started to pap his face, as calmly as possible.  
To-crkkk  
He was mad but you continued and he seized to being agitated then he calmed down a bit. He backed up letting go of Vriska holding his head. Vriska fell to the ground catching her breath, breathing heavily. She looked...scared. She never once looked scared, she always was full of confidence and dare you think luck. Even though she was a bitch most of the time and has caused an immense amount of trouble she still was part of the team and you cared for all your team members.  
You slipped down to your knees to help her up. She was coughing and wheezing but she just blocked your gesture started walking away into her room without saying a word. You didn't think she was going to tell anyone anything for a bit... After changing your attention to Gamzee, turning around he was standing there leaning up against the wall with his hands clasped against his mouth. His bright purple eyes sparkling. He was upset. Really upset.  
"Gamzee." You stood up reaching your hand out to shoosh him. He slid down the wall, covering his arms around his head leaning up against his knees, and it was all okay again as you hugged your best friend.

You went to your bed, after brushing your nubby teeth, and continued your dream...  
You heard water swoosh behind you and a little moan, you turned you attention to find the dock broken, there was you a huge gap with angry water currents rushing up and sprinkling on you with water then the rest of the dock attached to the sandy beach. The water before was almost completely still but now it was aggressively getting stronger and angrier. Then there was your very own teammate holding and constantly slipping on the dock trying to grasp it was Vriska Serket. She was half in the water and her upper body was begging to get on dry land as it slipped and slipped on the wooden dock where the angry waves kept pulling and pulling her trying to get her underneath. It was obvious she was going to lose in your perspective and you think it was quite obvious to her too, but she kept clasping for dear life.  
You wanted to help but your body was unable to move and you didn't even have a pleading look in your face in fact your face gestured an I'm glad you're dying look, as you sternly looked upon the dying troll. She looked up at you choking over water.  
"he"-coughing out water-"p" but you didn't care. Why, why didn't you care. You wanted to care if this were happening you would have easily turned around pulling with your own life at risk trying to save her. But your character did not give a shit towards this and welcomed the death of your party with warming arms ready to yank their skulls out of their sockets, and  
"paint the walls with your blood." The sound of a chuch bell rang across your island and Vriska looked up to after you said this and after a paused second of not wriggling out of deaths way, drowned.

You huffed, choking and flipped up hitting your head on a doll hanging from the ceiling. This wasn't... normal. Last time you checked you didn't hang dolls from your ceiling. You ripped the doll off of the thread and examined it. It was bright blue with bright purple eyes and a black dress on. There was a paper with a knife stabbed threw the chest of it, it read... Vriska Serket, was this hers? What the fuck is it doing in your room then... and why the hell would someone stab there stuffed doll with a knife and their name on it? You stared deep into the eyes, they swirled into blackness, you almost felt in a trance looking at it. You snapped out of your almost trance to the sound of a squeal from outside. What the fuck was that? It sounded like a cat... a cat... Nepeta! Fuck, what happened. You threw the doll on your bed and ran outside the room.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi! Sorry guys, I know if you read this earlier I had this chapter already up, but I did that late at night and didn't realize how much it sucked, like sparkly rainbow barf and junk. So here's practically the same chapter except I edited it and such, so if you want you can re-read it or you can just skip over it, if you do it doesn't matter the same things happen, so you won't be missing anything~ Okay so sorry about that I'll try to not do that again ;)  
Oh and another thing, sorry about how long it took me to post this, I had school baby poop junk and such but I'll try to post faster from now on! Thanks for the reviews they seriously make my day so please continue! Love you guys!**

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You ran down the hall, not to far until you saw the problem. Nepeta was standi- well now falling to the ground squealing with her hands starting to cover her mouth, green was dripping down her face, and she was breathing hard choking over her tears and saliva in her mouth. The sight was terrible, and you felt your fist clenching. Your nails digging into the palm of your hand, leaving small indentations. You looked across the carpeted floor from her where you saw blue... everywhere.  
Fuck. No. This isn't happening, dark blue, no. There's no blue liquid.  
You shoved the idea out of your mind, only to having it keep pushing its way back. Covering the walls and floors in patterns. No that's not real.  
and covering the. Fuck stop drifting eyes, don't look that way. Your head tilting to the left some more, your brain screaming at your eyes to not look up.  
Blue. Blue. Fucking, blue. Teared Clothes. Bones full of blood.  
That carcass that layed there lifelessly, utterly still... It's not. No. The tips of her hook and claw horns shimmering glistening blood, dripping... yanked by gravity.  
No this isn't fucking happening. Shit no, you're just dreaming. You're having a nightmare, yeah you're sleeping right now. You'll wake up soon enough and everything will be the same. You'll wake up and not want to get up, but will eventually because you have things to do and the taste in your mouth will start to bug you after awhile. You'll get up and go outside meeting all your friends, maybe even have breakfast with some of them and you can discuss and fight who will do the dishes. You'll be having chocolate chip pancakes, yeah. The food that the humans introduced you to, although you wouldn't admit you like their cooking and stupid human meals. You seem to have taken a liking towards their particular sweets.  
You were shot back like an arrow by the sound of Nepeta's quiet squeaking that she couldn't make out into words and the smell and taste of that odor.  
You were kidding yourself. Face it Karkat, this is what happened and you have to be the leader and help out your current fellow teammate who has their palms shoved into there face right now. You had to be the leader that would figure out this whole issue. The leader that would clean it up and help them all past this. The leader that would bring everyone to a place where you all lived happily again, where you got teased slightly about being a scaredy cat and about being short and nubby. Where deep down all of you were friends.  
You suddenly felt tears welling up in your eyes, you shoved them away. Just to be that leader.

You started in a sprint towards the scene but the closer you got the more and more you felt something pulling you away, you kept sprinting, running into a brisk jog then sprinting to a walk and then a tiptoe. Your legs were dragging on the floor as the smell of blood filled the atmosphere around you.  
The feline troll was getting into more clearer sight, no not clearer, everything was getting less clear the closer you got but you had to get there. You had to. You... had to. You had to be that leader. That friend.  
You knelt beside the weeping cat girl, wrapping one arm around her. She screamed when you put your hand around her and you started humming sympathetically against her. She leaned up against you after she calmed down a bit after noticing who was beside her. While she quietly weeped in her hands and your shirt you looked across the light grey carpet at the dismembered corpse. Blue... blue... everywhere. Where the fuck were you. You could have maneuvered around this. It's all your fault. It's all your fault there's blue everywhere. It's all your fault  
You felt barf rolling up your throat, but you swallowed it over and over again as you inhaled the regurgitating taste of blood threw your nose and eyes... the rim of your eyes were turning red, you wiped them off with your free arm but no matter how many times you wiped the red just kept coming back.  
Soon enough someone was grabbing Nepeta from you and she easily slid into his arms. You looked up to Equius holding his dear cat friend close. Although he had his broken shade on your can see him glancing over at the mangled spider troll and cringe at the sight.  
"Get her out of here..." you mumbled weakly but the idea was already obviously going to happen. He left with Nepeta in his arms and her face dug deep into his shirt. Soon it was just you and the Scorpio... and the doll. That fucking doll was back. You could have sworn that you threw that on your bed, no you definitely did. Why the fuck is it here?  
It was on top of the bloody corpse. It was definitely not there a second ago, it was smiling impossibly large and had blue blood dripping out of its mouth and off its hands. You flinched at the look of it. The paper was still stabbed into it, with a bloody arrow under reading "Vriska Serket" indicating to turn it around... You went to looked around more at the scene, but you didn't want to turn your back to that doll...You have a feeling that that doll is going to be the end of you all. You went to pick it up, you tried to restrict yourself from the curiosity but you had to pick it up now... you had to now your arm is already reaching out to it. This doll is the one who did it... this fucking doll killed Vriska.  
Wait what the fuck are you saying, there's no possible way that this doll could have killed someone. There was someone or something behind this and whoever they are, are just playing you and your friends. Trying to mess them up and you bet they're just laughing right now at the look on your face.  
You're supposed to be pissed right now... but you're not. You for some odd reason are not mad. Not furious. Not even aggravated. Just sad and upset, as if you've seen a sad movie once and are watching it again, except this time you're in it. You know how it should play out but your character doesn't know what to do. You're body was moving by itself without your control. This was all too familiar yet you have no idea what's going to happen and you're afraid you'll find out to late. Again your body was going by the clock and before you knew it your arm was reaching out.  
You picked it up the doll, scared to death that it would turn alive and try to kill you or something. You just looked at it. Wearing a blue dress with tears at the end, black yarn hair, black hole eyes, poorly stitched mouth. The fucking mouth, would not stopped smiling. It was practically laughing, with tears coming from its eyes from laughing to hard.  
"Shut up..." you whispered to the doll. you held it up looking past it now to examine the rest of the room without leaving sight of it. You couldn't look at its face anymore.  
You saw the walls painted in blue. In a pattern. You payed closer attention at the pattern on the wall all over still keeping an eye on the doll in your hand.  
"Let's play hide and seek" the wall read... blue dripped on your cheek and you immediately gave out a little squeak and jumped a little bit. You looked up to the ceiling to see another pattern... it read  
"Everyone's allowed to play :) " it had a smiley face next to it. The same face the doll gave... You then looked closely at the doll and ripped the paper off of it...  
You viciously flipped it over it read in blood,  
"I win this round."You felt sounds of rushing water and small screams in your head, while a small high pitched giggle barely noticeable played in the background. But the giggle kept getting louder and louder. It was disgusting and Shit just stop already! Turn it off! heehee You covered your ears awkwardly to shut the sound off and everything went silent then for a split moment you heard the doll whisper to you.  
"Why didn't you help her?" Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. You were practically shitting your pants, red was covering your eyes pouring down your face. You stared at the doll in front of you. Why... why didn't you help her? She was going to drown. You couldn't... you... couldn't. But what if you could have... why didn't you try? Why didn't you just gesture a hand? Why, fucking Karkat? WHY?  
You were choking up, your throat was starting to close... You, can't breath...  
Something was arounf your neck... yourself. You were choking yourself. You couldn't stop... yoo- fu-k, you vision was seizing to exist. Your brain was checking itself yelling at you. Stop Karkat! Stop! Fuck, stop! Please, stop hurting me!  
You threw the doll against the wall near the corpse in front of you and used your other hand trying to pry your left hand from choking you, but it wouldn't work. Now your right hand was in on the action too. The world was flushed red, you fell completely to the ground on your back fig-iting, spazzing trying to stop yourself, your eyes were shutting... everything was being dimmed... turning black.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N : So sorry it's been awhile again! I got distracted by anther fanfic I started to write. I'll have that one posted some time too it's going to be a CroKri because I love that ship and there aren't a lot! But anyways since you guys waited so long I had to make this chapter longer so I hope you like it! and thanks again for reviews and favorites it really makes my day when you guys do that so thanks a lot! LOVE YOU GUYS! Okay here you go :)**

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**** _You were waiting at a bus stop for some odd reason, but you knew you had to board that bus, you had to board that bus with your friends to continue your day, the way you were supposed to. You stood at a quiet three way intersection away from any city activity just in your neighboring back roads. You lived down the street from here and you took this bus everyday, it was a gate way to your life. The life you despised and cherished because it was the only life you were given. You were waiting at the stop for a few minutes before the other passengers arrived to join you on your trip. But you didn't mind waiting you always liked the quiet atmosphere and you never wanted to risk not making it on time.  
_ _You saw one of your bus companions walking down the street you were facing momentarily. It was none other than Tavros Nitram, a troll of the chocolate colored blood. He walked awkwardly down the street hill in his bionic legs smiling like ninny. He then after narrowly avoiding a rock that would have caused him to fall strait on his face, crossed the street ending at his destination next to you. He was holding two notebooks and one folder. Looking at his books you realized you yourself were holding some books. You held a small binder and an accordion folder, they both had doodles all over them. Where did these books come from?  
__ Wait what __were__you thinking, you held these books everyday, you needed them for whatever your destination was.__ You ana__lyzed the familiar doodles, yes you remember drawing these. You drew them over the course of this year. You looked over them smiling inside of the memories of you and you friends drawing stupid ass pictures__. There was one picture of John "O__.M.G.-ing" and others across the hold thing of him running around and doing the windy thing and such, most of them blurred out from you scribbling over them in anger and you remembered that memory, you had simply left your folder on the counter one time and you had come back to him all over it. You remembered your embarrassment and you instantly trying to erase them and get rid of all the evidence of one John Egbert being upon your own personal material possessions. You__ flipped your accordi__on folder up to reveal the cover of your binder, all over it was covered in sharpie __of even more distur__b__ing and idiotic drawings of you and Dave Strider__'s __angry shoving marker doodles of dicks and such__... This is idiotic why are these human tools markings all over your things. ___

Nonetheless you nodded towards Tavros showing him y_ou knew of his presence__, you never really talked to him much, or really anyone when you waited for the bus. Everyone else agreed with this too, it was just an unspoken agreement to __not talk until you got on the bus at the earliest. __  
He smiled back and was look__ing down at his feet padding on the ground. You then stood there waiting a little longer levitating from the tips of your toes to your heel over and over again._

_After a moment of silence that wasn't at all awkward you saw out of the corner of your eye two more of the bus passengers walking down the hill towards you. It was Aradia Megido and __Fe__feri Peixis. Them both in there signature outfits. Feferi in a colorful skirt with a tang top wearing many accessories. Then there was the more gothic style of Aradia her also in a skirt but this one ripped, long and grey and wearing a black t-shirt. _  
_They came down at almost the same exact time one Sollux Captor walked down from the same road Tavros almost fell down. This one is the partner that you sat with on the bus. You sat with him every day not skipping a day for years now and somehow you always felt more settled seeing him walking down the road, he was almost always the last one to arrive sometimes just in time for the bus. Although he made it everyday, you knew if he skipped a beat then something would happen to him and you didn't want that. You've been friends for years and you couldn't act like that just didn't matter..._

_Sollux came down and grinned at you then stood next to you in a comforting silence again. The silence lasted only about thirty seconds when you saw the bus appear over the top of the hill from the way Fef and Aradia came from._

_"uh oh..." Tavros looked at his books and you glanced over at him in a questioning look. He kept fidgeting nervously and suddenly started to run the way he came from screaming something about him accidentally leaving something. Shit. He's not going to make it in time. You went to scream after him to forget about it, but it was like your mouth was shut. This. This whole time were you even able to talk? You always thought you could if you needed to. But come to think of it the most sound anyone here ever made was understanding moans and such. But then how could Tavros talk.  
_ _Unless it was __**his granted last words**__. _  
_Shit. That stupid fuck. You felt the pit in your stomach up turning. No. You couldn't loose anyone else.  
_ _You had a terrible feeling and it wasn't going to go away anytime soon. But your feet couldn't move nor your mouth speak. Or anything.  
_ _This is not working, you needed to think fast. How, fuck, how can you save him.  
_ _Wait you didn't even know if he would be okay. Maybe it'd be okay to miss the bus maybe he can get the next bus or something. You're pretty sure there's another bus. But would he get in trouble for taking it, would he be punished.  
_ _Wait shit you're wasting time there's a possibility that another one of your friends may seize to exist. Even if there is a slim chance you have to help. But shit what can you do? _  
_You glanced over to your other friends who haven't had the slightest feeling of the endangerment of our dear friend. _  
_Your head was spinning and __the bus pulled up in front of you soon, only to reveal what you think is the end of your friends end reassured._

~~~

You're eyes opened rapidly and again you wake up suddenly without warning choking over your spit and hacking. Shit people on Derse could probably hear you, you're getting really tired of this waking up gambit.  
You were still coughing and you couldn't stop there was something lodged in the back of your throat. It wouldn't go away.  
Soon enough there was an arm holding you in a sitting position and a hand rubbing your back in cirlces. It seemed to help a bit but you still were coughing to yourself.  
It seized a bit after a few minutes still nagging at your throat but you continued to swallow it down deeper and deeper each time it rising back up. But you were afraid that if you even tried to clear your throat you wouldn't be able to stop. So you continued this while glancing up to the face that the arm and hand belonged to.  
Kanaya was at your side smiling slightly.  
"wha- what happened?" Gog you sounded terrible, you sounded like you were about to hack out your heart, and well you felt like it too. Your voice was really strained and it hurt badly to just blurt that out.  
"I'm so glad you're awake..." That's all she said then you realized the pain in her eyes and there were bags under her eyes as if she'd been crying. But that couldn't be, Kanaya was a strong woman and if she did cry she definitely would not show it.  
"bu-" you cracked but was interrupted by Kanaya placing her finger on your lip, She shooshed you then began.  
"Karkat... you know that you're special...we wouldn't be here if not for you." she took a breath then continued  
"Please don't do anything like that again..." There was a hint of sadness in her voice. But what? What did you do?  
"Kana-" she leaned over and just hugged you this made a silence fill the atmosphere. You looked over her shoulder to see yourself in the infirmary, barely anyone went in here. Unless it was a true emergency but that didn't happen a lot, the only time anyone went in here is if it was to just get a quick band aid or gauge pad anything along those lines. So why were you in here lying on this unfamiliar bed?  
Kanaya clinged to you and seemed like she wasn't going to let go for a bit, why was she so sad though? What the fuck did you do? Whatever you would find out later, for right now you just hugged her back. Although while you hugged her you couldn't help wonder what you did to her to make her so sad... and where was everyone else? Wait. SHIT.  
Where the fuck is Tavros! Your heart rate increased rapidly along with breathing and you couldn't get in enough oxygen to your body again. You started hacking up a shit storm. Kanaya pulled back and started to rub your back again but it didn't help this time. You had to ask her about Tavros, maybe you still had time!  
"Ka"-hack cough-"wherr"-tearing up-"fuu" you couldn't get oxygen, it's as if your lungs just shriveled up and they weren't proportionate to the rest of your body, but you had to ask.  
"Taa" Your throat was completely closing up.  
"Stop trying to talk!" Kanaya burst out, she practically sprinted across the room which was only a few steps and came back putting a inhaler in your mouth. She held it there as you tried to spit it out. But she made sure it stayed there, you pushed her arms away with full force but damn was she forceful when she needed to be.  
You figured she wouldn't budge so you eventually just leaned back into her arm, catching your breath on the contraption. She let out a sigh full of relief. Then she just pulled you up to her chest and held the inhaler there even though you weren't pulling away anymore. She held it there afraid that if she even let go for a second you might rip it out and have a coughing fit again.  
You closed you eyes and focused on your breathing for a few minutes. The moment of panic that was in your head a few minutes ago shriveled up.  
"In...out...in...out." You didn't need Kanaya's guidance on how to breath but you couldn't complain right now, plus it was reassuring to have her right here next to you.  
Kanaya has always been sort of a "mom" figure to you. She always looked after you, making sure you were safe, she even treated you like a son sometimes. Telling you to pick up your clothes and then you would complain that you could put you clothes anywhere you damn want, she would give you a stern face and then threat you something like she wouldn't make you cupcakes like she promised if you didn't pick it up. You would scowl and groan and pick it up, putting it away. You would come back grumpy faced but she would call you a good boy, then later make you those red velvet cupcakes with some having chocolate frosting on top and others with vanilla frosting and you would help mix the batter. You would make a mess but you two just laughed. While they baked you would help her clean up. You would later eat them and they would come out perfect every time, you usually got frosting all over your face and she would wipe it off you face, smiling about how you're so messy.  
Everything was so happy and you felt a smile forming along your face, you forgot about everything that was happening in this moment and everything was just so perfect and warm.  
After a few more minutes of just listening to the even beating of Kanaya's heart you could breath again. You always found certain peoples heart beats so comforting including hers. It was so warm and it always seemed to beat like a metronome except instead of that clinking sound it sounded like a beat of a drum in just the middle part of the face of it so it always sounded perfectly on key.  
You went to pull the thing stuffed in your mouth back but she held it there longer, just to make sure you were okay. You couldn't help but feel so grateful to have someone like her.

After about seven more minutes of just being cuddled in her warming arms she loosened on the inhaler and pulled it out. She placed it on the bed and continued to hold you.  
"Thanks..." you mumbled. She hummed a bit. Then continued in a speech.  
"Are you okay, dear?"  
"yeah... I just couldn't breath for a minute..." You could breath much better now and the clump in the back of your throat seemed to have loosened up a bit making it easier to not cough every second.  
"You scared me Karkat." She hardened her grip on your sweater.  
"sorry..." you mumbled again but this time hugged her back. After another moment of staying there you pulled back and asked what's been nagging you.  
"Kanaya?" she hummed in response  
"Where's Tavros?" She seemed to ponder the question for a moment, you waited impatiently. You needed to know if he was okay.  
"Last I saw he was walking to his room, why do you ask?"  
"How long ago was that? and it's a long story..."  
"I believe it was a two days ago or so."  
"Two day!" Shit! You flipped out of your hold of Kanaya and nearly fell when you stood up, you hadn't realized how dizzy you were. Fuck you just need to calm down... okay in, out...  
You sat back down on the bed across from Kanaya in the chair.  
**He's probably dead by now. **  
Shit no. No he's not.  
**Are you really going to l****ie to yourself?  
** "I'm not lying!" there's no proof that he's dead!  
**We both know you'****re kidding yourself. He's dead.**  
"SHUT UP!" You screeched. Tears running down your pink cheeks. Your head was spinning again.  
**There's no escaping the ****t****r****uth Karkat.**  
"NO SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!"  
"Karkat calm down!" Kanaya stood up holding your wrist still, you shook your head with red dripping down your face.  
**Don't cover up the truth, if you do that it'll be harder** **to unravel later. He's dead deal with it.**  
"THAT'S NOT TRUE! STOP!"

* * *

You awoke not knowing how long it's been or what just happened. You were still in the infirmary except this time there were a few figures in front of you. You couldn't make out who was there, everything was so blurry. You moaned and the figures shifted they started talking but you didn't understand any of it. They sounded sort of like Troll Charlie Brown adults. You smiled at the thought of the childhood show.  
You were so giddy and you barely could concentrate on one thing at a time but that was okay, you didn't feel any pain. You just started to giggle and laugh. Everything was okay... everyone over you is laughing with you too. You were all happy. Everything in the world was happy and nothing hurt anymore.  
You looked at the figures and giggled about how they looked like weird shapes forming animals and items. That tall one looked sort of like a big lamp. Suddenly that big lamp was towering over you making you laugh out more, it looked so silly there what was it doing...  
It touched your face but you barely felt it, it was soft to the touch. It started speaking. What the heck lamps don't talk! This is so silly! But this only made you laugh more and you leaned on your side holding your stomach from laughing to much.  
When you turned you were greeted by a cat figure, that figure too laughed. You started to laugh and mew a little bit to show you understood the cat figure. Who mewed back at you. Then you both exchanged mews and you two were smiling almost impossibly large, giggling.

You were suddenly hit by something. It hurt. It hurt. Pain was back. Your face immediately frowned.  
"KK!" you moaned to the sudden awareness of not being alone.  
"Hellloooo, anyone home." Sollux knocked your head lightly.  
"Solllluux" You moaned while rubbing your eyes open. You were greeted with Sollux leaning over you, grinning and IV lines running up your arm.  
"Morning thleeping beauty." His lisp as noticeable as ever.  
"The hell... time is it?" You questioned still half asleep.  
"Almotht three thirty." You stood up to a sitting position on the bed, to realized it wasn't just you and Sollux in the room. Kanaya was here still, along with Eridan, Fef and Terezi. They were all staring intently at you.  
"What the fuck happened?" You asked again, you just wished someone would give you an answer this time. They all glanced at each other no one knowing what to say.  
"Well?" Why won't they just fucking tell you already.  
"KK..." Sollux broke the silence "You really don't remember do you?"  
"What don't I remember?" Again everyone looked at each other not knowing what to say.  
"Karcrab you know you're special no matter what you think!" Fef pitched in  
"Yeah, Kar no need to pull a stunt like that. Who had us all worried sick" Eridan spoke with a flip with his wrist.  
"Yeah Karkles no one's funner to bug than you, and you plus you're my favorite color." Wait Terezi actually sounded serious there.  
Where was all this coming from again! Kanaya was going on about how I was special before so what was all this because apparently I didn't just do something to her I did something to everyone...  
"Don't do that again KK..." Sollux mumbled. Why was everyone so serious all of a sudden... WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO!?  
"Listen I don't know what the fuck you guys are talking about so can someone please fill me in my listening holes are just dying to hear what kind of things happened when I apparently didn't comprehend any of it." You crossed your arms waiting for an answer. Everyone went quiet but then Kanaya stood up. Then she sat down next to you on the bed placing her hand on your leg.  
You looked up to see her emerald eyes glancing down at your leg where her hand was. After a moment passed she glanced up to look you in the eye.  
She swallowed and took a deep breath then let it out.  
"Karkat... you tried to commit suicide." You went to speak but she stopped you with a flick of the wrist telling you to wait.  
"You tried to strangle yourself with your bare hands after seeing the mess of Vriska." She took another breath "You would have killed yourself if it weren't for me running into Equius and Nepeta coming from the scene. Equius told me to check up on you. I didn't ask questions seeing Nepeta in pieces in his arms, I automatically knew something was wrong so I ran to the bloody scene." She was starting to tear up now but kept sucking it back up. She was thumping her hand up and down on your leg. You don't think you've ever seen her like this before.  
"When I got to the scene you... you were sprawled across the floor choking your self to death. You were gasping for breath but you continued to hold your hands up to your throat." She sniffled a bit, swallowing. "And... you were in so much pain but you continued to lodge your hands up to your neck in hopes that you would just die already... There were tear stains across your cheeks, the smell of blood was everywhere. You were viciously grinding your teeth and eventually you just fell. You went completely limp except in your hand where you continued to grip your throat even though you were unconscious. I was trying to rip your hands off your neck at the moment but you put all your strength in keeping them there. Eventually I was able to move your hands after you lost most of your energy and... and there were claw marks across your neck everywhere. Blood was gushing out of your neck and all across your hands... I immediately felt for your heart beat and ... and" Kanaya looked down you couldn't see her face and she couldn't even make words.  
You leaned over and hugged her, she leaned into you wrapping her arms around your waist. She stuffed her face into your shoulder breathing restlessly.  
"Thhe felt your heart beat and there wath none." Sollux finished. You turned your attention to him while still holding Kanaya.  
"But thhe refuthed to believe thith tho thhe brought you here and thet you up on a heart monitor and thtuff, thhe in thome miracle got you to breath again. No one even knowth how. It wath a true miracle." Sollux appeared to be done but right when you were about to say something you don't even know what Kanaya pulled off and started again.  
"But that isn't it" she sniffed her last sniffle for a bit and looked back up to you  
"After I got you to breath again, I stayed with you for two or three days to make sure you didn't stop breathing or something... I'm really glad I did stay with you though because you woke up after those days at some point acting fine, just confused and I was so glad... but right when it seemed like you were okay, you started to have a panic attack. You kept screaming Shut up and You're lying and things like that. I tried to calm you down by holding your wrist but you kept flailing and screaming. You kept covering your ears screaming and then trying desperately to get out of here. So I gave you a ... I gave you a shot, it was the only thing I could do. You flailed for a bit longer but you eventually fell asleep." She took a breath as if she just felt the relief again in that moment.  
"You woke up a few hours later talking nonsense which is to be expected from the injection. I gave it to you to calm you down but it makes you sort of... uhh"  
"loopy?" you questioned. She actually slightly smiled when you said this.  
"Yeah loopy Karkat... okay so anyways you kept saying some really loopy things and you would not stop laughing."  
"It was reel-y interesting Karcrab!" Fef piped in  
"Yeah Karkles I don't think I've ever seen you look so stupid before!" Terezi cackled  
"Yeah geez KK I thought you might laugh out all your organth."  
"Fuck you guys, you should feel honored of being so blessed to hear my beautiful laugh." You remarked.  
"Wwait wwhere wwas I?" Eridan asked  
"How thould we know athhole?" Sollux answered. Before this could escalate any further Kanaya cut them off.  
"So you were all loopy and such then you eventually fell back asleep some how, I don't even know how since you would not stop giggling. But you fell back asleep and then well we couldn't stadn you not being awake so Sollux hit you in the face with my book" Kanaya concluded. Sollux grinned at you.  
"Well thanks fuckass, nice to know that I get beat up when I'm unconscious." You snapped at Sollux.  
"Hey thomeone had to do it." Sollux shrugged still grinning. Damn he enjoyed doing that didn't he... You would normally start shouting at him but, you didn't commit suicide. You're pretty damn sure that you wouldn't. You remember being at the scene and uncontrollably choking yourself. You didn't want to die, you tried to stop yourself but you physically couldn't.  
Or maybe that was what trolls feel before they commit suicide. Maybe they couldn't control themselves for some reason but no one knows this because the trolls were always dead to explain that it wasn't their fault. Or did you really hate yourself so much? Was it just in the heat of the moment?  
Whatever the cause you had to tell them you weren't at least consciously trying tokill yourself.  
"But that's not true..." That's all you said  
"Of courthe it'th true Kk, like I thaid we had to make thure you were okay." Wait what was he talking about? Oh yeah hitting me in the face...  
"No, not that..."  
"Karkles what are you talking about?" Terezi exclaimed  
"I didn't try to kill myself..."  
"I think you're being indenial Kar..." Said Eridan  
"Yes, I too believe that you're being quite indenial. I saw you do it with my own eyes." Kanaya chipped in.  
"No... I've never been more sure in my life before please believe me guys." You were cut off my Terezi  
"Believe that you weren't trying to commit suicide eve-" You cut her off  
"No, something was making me do that... I didn't want to die. I- I had one hand on my throat not trying then I went in a moment of panic so I threw the doll I was holding in my other hand and used my now free hand to try to pry off my choking hand. But... then that hand started to choke me too. And soon, I couldn't do anything. I didn't have any control of my arms and I fell to the ground trying to get my head to send my palms the message to let go but it wouldn't work and they started to dig deep in my skin. I- I was dying but even unconscious I kept choking myself..." You didn't know what else to say, that was pretty much the story but I mean how are they supposed to believe that you weren't choking yourself even though you were the only one there...  
"What doll?" Sollux asked you. You barely even mentioned the doll so why did that appeal to him so much?  
"Yes, I didn't see a doll at the area?" Kanaya added. She... she didn't see the doll there? Actually why are you not surprised it kept moving so why would it be there when someone else could back up your information... still even thinking about that doll made you feel woozy.  
"You... you didn't see it there? and umm it was just this creepy doll that kept following me and telling me messages... I know that sounds crazy but I promise you I'm not lying..." Everyone just looked at you funny. But Sollux he, fuck his expression. He looked so scared? No not scared well maybe but oh my gog he looked like he might pass out. His lips parted slightly frowning and you could see slightly behind his glasses his eyes were flared up. He almost looked surprised, but not a good surprise like shit I'm going to die look.  
He then suddenly stood up and started to run out the door.  
"I have to go see something!" and with that he ran out the door with everyones eyes where the door was flung open.

* * *

**A/N : Oh wait I forgot I can't believe I haven't done this yet but yeah I don't own Homestuck obviously Andrew Hussie created that! Wait I totes forgot if I already mentioned that... well if I did here it is again anyways, so yeah thanks for reading so far!**


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